I am tired of living in cycles!

There was always an overwhelming level of dysfunction and toxicity not only in my home, but also in my community. As a teen I felt like there had to be better alternatives in life and I could not understand why people chose to live this way. I had to learn how to cope with and survive the torture through which I was living. Even though I was rebellious, I was intrigued by people’s accomplishments and the idea of life outside of this dysfunction. 

I believed attaining accomplishments was the solution to my problems as those persons seemed contented with their lives. Writing this, I can admit now that back then I was hoping this would compensate for the pain, abuse, and ridicule I endured, and that would bring me the same contentment. With this vision in my twenties, I was ambitious, proactive, confident, and overcoming hurdles that were not expected of me. 

As I approached my 30’s I recognized that I never dealt with the trauma, and I didn’t know how to or cared to address it. On the surface I was overcoming hurdles, but internally I was more attuned to the failures and people’s opinions regardless of how much I tried to shake it. I’d start questioning myself about minor things exacerbated by toxic or narcissistic people. Anxiety attacks, procrastination and depression started to crumble my confidence.

 I felt like these new and overwhelming feelings were increased by life’s funny way of making every situation one hundred times worse for me. I felt as if I had no control. I was tired of the repetitive cycles of little highs and many lows and this version of me was not working anymore.

It took a couple of years and still ongoing tweaking, therapy, self- help, and awareness, to understand that for most of my life I have experienced more than an above average amount of traumatic experiences that were never addressed. From as young as 5 years old, I have operated on high alert in constant survival mode; always ready to fight or flee.

Yes, being aggressive and resilient has gotten me through this phase of my journey, but if I continued this trajectory, what state will I be holistically when I flourish into the next phase of my life? It cannot be business as usual if I want to holistically release myself from existing in survival mode. I want to walk into this cycle of my life not tired, but being a woman who is at peace, comfortable and existing from a place of genuine growth, consistency, awareness, self-love, and a renewed drive- one day at a time. 

                               Written by Maria Rowe

                                         Barbados