Shame and Guilt made me do it

It was May 20, 2008, and I woke up to my mentally ill brother vomiting and coughing, and my mother quarreling trying to ascertain what was wrong with him. I proceeded to his bedroom, where he was sweating and looked like he was experiencing pain. I suggested that I would call an ambulance for him. He pleaded with me and suggested that he would feel better but at this time I had no idea what had occurred. I informed him that I was going to work and when I returned, and he was not better I would call the ambulance.

I returned from work after two hours because I felt uncomfortable in my spirit. I quickly went to his room, and he looked much better, but I still recommended that he go to the hospital, but he said no because he felt better. In reflection, how could I have been so negligent and not used my judgment to take him to the doctor?

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worst later that evening when he shouted and asked me to take him to the bathroom.  He quietly asked “Nat do you think I am going to make it” I responded with a loud yes and it was at that point that his eyes rolled back in his head, his breathing stopped, and his body started to stiffen in my hands. Regrettably, my brother died as I held him in my hands, and I gently placed him on the cold floor. I started shouting for my mum who came and quickly left the house while I held him.

As people started to gather my mother explained that he stated a day before that he was going to kill himself, but she never told anyone. It appears he drank a deadly substance and I unknowingly neglected to call the ambulance early in the morning. Sadly, I could not sleep for months and had to live through the shame and guilt of thinking that I did not do enough to help my beloved brother.

I remember a neighbor stating “nobody who ended their life by suicide deserved a decent burial”. Those words hurt me because of the guilt of thinking that my inaction caused my mentally ill brother not to have a chance at life. The shame of thinking that I failed him, and now he is in a position to be judged made me feel like I was not human and worthy to be alive. 

Guilt and shame caused me to remove every memory of good actions and times I helped and assisted my brother over the years. I want to encourage the readers to permit themselves to be human and to show self-compassion when dealing with guilt and shame.

                        Written by Natalie Murray

                                        Barbados